Dear Facebook,
Look, we’ve had a great relationship. Truly. You were always there for me, and likewise, I owe some of my greatest friendships to you. And you’ve by far been my longest relationship, at nearly three years now.
I’m sure you recall how we started.. I was seeing MySpace at the time - it was decent, but she was so stuck in high school; just into music and partying all the time. I wanted someone who was more reserved, someone a bit quieter and perhaps more scholarly - someone, my dear Facebook, like you. Of course, we hit it off immediately, and after just two months of us being together I dumped MySpace altogether and we went exclusive. And we’ve been that way for quite some time now.
But perhaps we ought to take a break.
As you know, I’ve been talking to someone new for about a month or two now - Twitter. You promised me that you were okay with it, but you’ve shown nothing but jealousy and contempt towards her ever since she and I became friends. And Twitter was good to you, Facebook; she even offered a compromise, by linking my status updates.. but no - you were too selfish. A couple of weeks ago, you even went so far as to change yourself to look more like her!
Look, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’d be lying if I were to tell you that I wasn’t attracted to Twitter. She’s so down-to-earth and simple - none of that zombie/pirate/mafia app or “Which Twilight Character Are You?” quiz nonsense.. she’s just straight-up, you know? That’s not to say that Twitter’s without her problems; sometimes she just flat out cancels on me. But it’s nothing compared with the way you’d often just walk out on me when we were spending time together. What the hell was that all about?
I didn’t set out to replace you, Facebook - it just sort of happened. Saying that, I think it’s time we both move on. I’m sure you’ll do fine; there’s a whole market of middle-school emo kids making music on Fruity Loops who haven’t even discovered you yet!
I know you can change, Facebook.. you do it all the time. Even Madonna doesn’t try as hard to stay relevant as you do. It’s just that, lately, you’ve been changing in all of the wrong ways.
- Eric